This morning I went to the Dentist, and I really don’t like the dentist. Not so much the hard-working medical professionals that want to make people’s mouths better, but the institution of the dentist. The scraping, the jaw-prying, the suction, and high powered water shooting, I hate all of that. It’s so painful and reminds me of the countless fillings I had as a child, and the grinding sound that appears in my head when I think of the dentist’s office is unbearable. So today while I was sitting in the office getting my teeth cleaned I decided to rank some dental tools to pass the time.
This ranking is based on total pain that the tool provides, respect I have for the tool, and whether or not the tool provides a positive experience. Some tools provide a lot of pain and have a lot of respect given their way, but are low on the list and others are high on the list while being extremely painful or generally pleasant. Because of my aching jaw and head, this list may be incoherent, blame the instruments on this list.
7. The Periodontal Probe
This thing is evil. Its whole purpose is to poke and prod and make your mouth hurt. This tool is not your friend. I speak from experience when I say that I would not recommend fighting it with your tongue. The Periodontal Probe will win.
6. The Dental X-Ray Mouthpiece
All in all this instrument is painless, but it will make you gag 100% of the time. I would laugh in your face and call you a dirty stinking liar if you told me you’ve used this mouthpiece and not gagged like you were eating a popsicle and fell down the stairs. I hate this thing, but I respect it.
5. Air Water Syringe
NGL I really don’t hate this thing, but its low on the list because I don’t respect it. There is no pain involved with this which is both a pro and a con. It’s a pro because when your sitting in the chair and the hygenist whip this bad boy out you know your mouth isn’t going to get hurt for the immediate future. It’s a con however because when I finally round up the courage to go to the dentist and brace myself for the inevitable hours of pain that will follow, I want to be rocked like a hurricane. I don’t want to get in the ring with Tyson when he’s not going to throw haymakers, I don’t want to play the Patriots in the Super Bowl if Tom Brady is injured, and I don’t want to go to the dentist and not be put in ultimate amounts of oral dispair. Hit me with your best shot or don’t hit me at all.
Ahh yes, the humble explorer. The hammer of the dentist’s tool belt, the vanilla flavor of the Dentist’s ironic but delicious Ice Cream Bar, the Batarang on the Dentist’s Bat Utility belt. I respect this tool, and its functionality is almost universal in my opinion. You can poke and prod like the Periodontal Probe, but you can also scrape and tap. There is a pleasant, almost gentleness to the pain that this tool provides, and it’s two sides give the dentist plenty of options. Great tool, tons of respect earned.
3. Ultrasonic Scaler
I hate this thing. The sound of this tool is what haunts my nightmares and ruins my days. The ringing and grinding on my teeth as this machine eradicates any bacteria on my teeth is drill-like in its fervor and anger. If the Periodontal Probe is the Joker, the Ultrasonic Scaler is Darkseid. (Darkseid kills Superman) It is the ultimate evil, it is cruel and mean and out for blood. It is the ultimate opponent and is the ultimate villain.
2. Saliva Ejector
This tool is honestly the only one that I can say is fun. When you close your mouth and all the air and saliva go into the ejector is like riding down a water slide on the first day of summer vacation when you’re 9. It’s perfect.
1. Mouth Mirror
Ahh, the mighty mouth mirror. The only tool that doesn’t assault your tongue when you fight it back just puts a fair but stern amount of pressure pushing it back so the Dentist can be on their way. It is effective, multiple-use, and also a nice cooling presence in your mouth in its moment of terror. I love you mouth mirror, never change.
Love you Tia Alma, thanks for the Dentistry.